A summary of a description given by a one, Mathew Serig: “They were kind of like burnt-out, Atlantic City gangsters from the 1950’s, looking like humans in their 60’s to 80’s that’ve moved down to Florida to retire and are out in the sun by the pool all day. They are funny and a bit vulgar.”
Teoheon (Te-oh-e-on) or just Te–oh (to his friends), chief of the Gods of Ill Desire (chairman of the board). Is an ancient, Birthed god of Malice. He did not enjoy being a governor of the Hell and fought to change it and to be free from it. Spends most of his time in the Demi Plane. Appears to be a human male in his mid-sixties. Bald-headed, clean-shaven face. Stands 6’2”. Does not have a chiseled physique, looks more like a man that was powerfully built and time has moved on, has bit of a potbelly. Tanned. Dressed like a beachgoer from 1950’s America – short-sleeved, striped shirt open to expose his belly; wears a thin-ish, gold necklace; short; flip flops and black dress socks. Usually carrying a cigar in one hand, or in his mouth, and some type of drink in the other hand. Gregarious, funny, straightforward, very charismatic. Has the accent of someone from Atlantic City, or maybe Mel Sharpels from the television show “Alice”.
The Gods of Ill Desire tend to be surprisingly upfront with mortals most if not all of the time. Maybe they never lie. They have their agendas and they usually tell their recruits what is expected in no uncertain terms. This group of gods is usually worshiped by the ambitious whom are willing to use less than honorable means to get what they want. Not wanton destruction or pain for the sake of pain. It’s nothing personal, just business. “It’s really hard finding good help. Really is. Most mortals that follow us are not reliable. They just want what they want. They just wanna feel good, powerful. They wanna be somebody. Makes ‘em sloppy.” – Teoheon to Mathew Serig.
Whereas some of the gods see mortals as tedious and secretly not really like them, the Gods of Ill Desire by and large are grateful to mortals for their existence, and most even get a kick out of the little shits that birthed them. And of course, they see mortals as a source of power and potential recruits in their efforts to realize their collective agendas.
Reward and punishment are commensurate with a follower’s actions. Punishment is never punitive and all punishments are clearly spelled out so there are no surprises.
They are in no hurry, they are playing the long game.
Gods of Ill Desire’s views on things.
“Some of the ‘good’ gods are tyrannical. You can’t masturbate or you’re punished. They wanted us to punish people for masturbating. How stupid is that? No booze. Not even a little sip on a holiday. Chastity – even though mortals were made so that mating feels good. No gambling – even just a few coppers with your family members for fun and everybody gets their money back at the end a the night. Even if you had a spare change jar and that was used and all the money was put back in you’re not supposed to gamble or you get punished. You make love to the women you’re going to marry before you get married you get in trouble. How stupid is that? But it’s fine to beat your kid with a stick if they misbehaved. You ate the wrong kind of meat. You’re clothes were made of the wrong material. You didn’t make the sacred fire the ‘right’ way, etc, etc, etc, . . .”
“Some of the benevolent gods are self-righteous, sanctimonious, hypocrite-frauds. The nature of the relationship between the gods and mortals is transactional, but some gods obfuscate this. They appeal to mortals’ ideals and emotions. They don’t actually tell the mortals what’s in store for them it’s just ‘my sons and daughters’ bullshit.”
“We tell you exactly what you’re gettin’ into before you get into it, no tricks, no fine print, no from a certain-point-of-view. We will give you X, Y, and Z if you do 1, 2, and 3.”
“Some mortals and some gods want things to either be pure good or pure evil because it makes things easy. It’s quick and easy. They don’t have to think. They don’t have to take precious time away from drinking, and whoring, and fighting, and gossiping, and otherwise wasting their time. Most mortals get into trouble because they do what temporarily, immediately satisfies them. We see this mostly with the shorter-lived races like humans, but all races do this. Immediate gratification and it may lead them down a road to unproductive habits and they end up in the Gray Waste. We get blamed for tempting mortals into this behavior, but they were doing this before we came into being. Actually, because mortals were doing these things we came into being.”
“Some guy had a fight with his wife so what does he do? He goes down to the local tavern, throws a few back. Sees a young little chippy at the bar. Goes over to her, just to make polite conversation. Then before you know it he’s banging her out in the stable. His wife finds out and what does he say to her, ‘It wasn’t me, honey. Some god of Ill Desire made me do it, they tempted me with that pretty young thing with the big breast-est-es.’ Yeah right. What do I care if some jackass cheats on his wife? How does that make my l my existence any better?”
“People are going to do bad shit because they want to. We don’t have to force them”
“Many followers of the Gods of Benevolence only follow ta get the good stuff an’ avoid the bad. That’s dishonesty, empty faith. Those people end up in Purgatory or the Gray Wastes an’ wonder how they got there, some of ‘em. They know. It doesn’t matter how much money you give to a ‘good’ church, put on a show, etc if you’re only doin’ it ta get somethin’. There’s really only a small percentage of pure, honest believers.”
“The benevolent gods rarely reward their followers, they want the mortals to come to them and faith is a good thing and you will be rewarded in the afterlife for your faith. They use the Gray Waste to scare mortals into believing in them. We give mortals the chance to be free of the Gray Waste and the boring afterlife they’d face in some goody two-shoe’s heaven. The ‘good’ gods just offer peace, and flowers, and talking bunnies, and get your hair braided, and lie on your back and look up at the clouds and guess what animals they look like. Everybody’s a vegetarian. Can you imagine doing that all day long, forever? Having to deal with your family forever, and braid each other’s hair? That’s it, picnics and grassy fields and talking bunnies and rainbows. How many veggie platters are you gonna eat before you wanna throw yourself off a cliff? And oh, eternal peace, and bliss, and love. How? How can those things actually be eternal? We’re gods. We’ve been around for thousand of years and we don’t have that shit. After a while, maybe it’s a few centuries, somebody just closes their eyes while they’re on the grass under a rainbow, and they don’t wake up. That’s it. You just fall asleep and don’t wake up. You just become something in the background. You’re just part of the scenery. Eternal rest. No such thing. No such thing. It’s just another place to die a second time. What kind of afterlife is that?”
“If we had the power we would give souls such a paradise worthy of forever. You can drink, you can fuck, you can gamble, you can swear, you can fight, you can masturbate, you can eat anything you want, you can smoke anything you want, you can pursue any interest you want. Why? Because you’re dead! Who cares if you wanna throw rocks at windows all day – you’re dead. Who cares if you wanna nap all day – you’re dead. Who cares if you wanna build houses all day – you’re dead. You wanna race horses all day – you’re dead. Anything you want, cause you’re dead! Learn just about anything. Imagine, you could have a truly fulfilled afterlife.
Those goody-goody heavens are shit. You’re neutered. There’s rules. Rules when you’re dead? What kinda bullshit is that? You hadda follow rules all your life, now you gotta follow them when you’re dead too? What a scam. This is why some souls that get into some goody-goody thereafter make their way to us. Mortals need something to challenge them, even in the afterlife. Eternal bliss and peace doesn’t usually do the job.”
“Now, the argument against me is that I encourage mortals ta do bad things so I get more followers. My counnerargument is that before I came ta be mortals were already doin’ bad things. Before there was a god of murder, mortals were murdering one another. Before there was a god of betrayal, mortals betrayed one another. Just like before there were gods of peace, love, mercy, compassion, goodness, etc mortals were doin’ those things. If there were no gods mortals would still be murdering each other, raping each other, stealing from each other, and still be merciful, just, an’ kind to each other. Some of the good gods don’ wanna hear that. They wanna believe that without them mortals would be lost. The arrogance of it. Some of the ‘gods of Benevolence’ don’ wanna admit that they exist only because of the belief of mortals. That idea, that truth, makes those gods ‘insecure’. Now me, I’m plenny secure. I know the deal. Even if the ‘good gods’ kill me, I’ll be back in some form or another. An’, so will some a them. The question is how much power will they have? Not as much as me. Ya know why? ‘Cause mortals, especially humans, always want what they can’t have, an’ more of it. An’ who do ya think they’re gonna ask ta help ‘em get it? That’s right, good ‘ol Teo, or whatever they’re gonna call me. Mortals ain’t never gonna stop doin’ bad things ta get what they want. It’s a great business ta be in.” – Teoheon
Up Next: Some of the individual gods of Pure Malice
