I was at the club when Riley, our number two security agent, told me about four that morning. I just froze when he told me.
“He’s still alive, they had a healer attend to him. He’s alright. They have guards with him in his room. What do you want to do, Miss Pardino?”
“Take me to him.”
“Yes ma’am. Whenever you’re ready.” I grab my wrap. “Let’s go.” Riley nods and we head out with two other guards and take the coach to Mathew’s. I was so wound up I was shaking. I was trying to hold it in. ‘I need a smoke.’ After I got out of the coach at Mathew’s I had a smoke outside and tried to calm myself down. Mathew’s house guard waited with mine. “Okay, lead the way.” Matt’s guards nodded and led me into the house and up the stairs, my boys followed behind. I was so mad I was about to cry. Every step was like I was a hammer pounding on stone. I didn’t rush. I took my time. I got to the door of the suite Tom was staying in, a guard on each side. I nodded a couple of times and one of them opened it. I went in, my boys stayed outside. Tom was in the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Four guards in the room. Most of the furniture had been taken out. I walked across the suite to a few feet away from the side of the bed. I was so pissed. My left leg was trembling. I wanted to go over and hit him, slap ‘im across the face. Punch ‘im. I wanted to grab him by the collar and shake him. Call ‘im a selfish bastard. I was so pissed. He didn’t look at me. The guards glanced at me. The nearest looked at me like he was expecting me to say something, maybe ask that I be alone with Tom for a few minutes. I was so mad. And then nothing came out. I thought I had opened my mouth to speak. But nothing came out. I thought I was going to step forward closer to the bed. But I didn’t. Tom didn’t look at me. He just kept looking up at the ceiling. I could see his chest move up and down so I knew he was still breathing. He didn’t look at me. And I just felt like everything I was hold back just went down. I don’t know how to describe it any other way. It just went down, like it fell out of me. I turned around and walked out, down the stairs, back in the coach, and back to the club. I wasn’t shaking. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t anything.
It wasn’t til some time after getting back to the club and settled in that I began to feel angry and shaky again. I was in my room, had put some comfortable clothes on, fed Ussi, sat down on the divan and had a long, slow smoke. Then a drink. Then another. And then the thoughts about Tom, and his selfish bullshit, the suicide, not just the money, came back. And a whole lot of other thoughts. Starting thinking about how our dad had committed suicide. Thought about how I would probably never see my mother again. How some times I still hated this place. A place I might not ever be able to leave. I thought I had made peace with these things. ‘Guess not.’ I had some more drinks in between all that thinking. I thought about how alone, romantically alone I felt. ‘Thought I had made peace with that too.’ Drank some more. I got kina sloppy drunk. “Matt, get yer ass back here ya skinny shit.” I started laughing. “Hey, good fer you, Matt. You get to go galavantin’ all over ta some fancy fuck place an’ I godda stay here an’ deal with this shit. Well good the fuck fer you, Sir Mathew. Sir Mathew. Sir Mathew. Sssiiirr Mathew.” I’m not sure how long after that, and trying to pet and hold Ussi too much so the furry, little shit bit me, I got really weepy. “Fine. I jus’ wanted ta hold you, Ussi. Ya little, spoiled shit! Mommy jus’ wanneda hold you . . . Fuck you too!” I jus’ let loose an’ started bawling my eyes out. I was on the floor, half on my hands and knees and on my side. “God, please help me. If you can hear me. If this is real. If you’re here too in this world. I hate it! I hate it all so much. Please take me home, please take me home, I don’ wanna be here anymore. I never wanneda be here. I can’t take this shit anymore! Please, take me home.” Just as I was about to black out I thought I saw something, a face in the floor. But it was blurry, then I was out.
